Breathe.....It's Coming Soon!
COCOON
When leaves have changed and fallen to the earth,
Instilled in us is a sense awaiting signs of re-birth,
Deliverance from blanket of nature's rest,
Wherein hope abides with patience blessed.
So too
These days are short, sun scarce and bleak,
Stark trees bare branches like naked arms weak,
Against chill winds and sleet at hand,
As though in death, and yet beneath the stillness
Intuitive life that fights to renew the days,
Cocooned with hidden warmth enfolding and sure,
When you will rise, live, and love once more.
When leaves have changed and fallen to the earth,
Instilled in us is a sense awaiting signs of re-birth,
Deliverance from blanket of nature's rest,
Wherein hope abides with patience blessed.
So too
These days are short, sun scarce and bleak,
Stark trees bare branches like naked arms weak,
Against chill winds and sleet at hand,
As though in death, and yet beneath the stillness
Intuitive life that fights to renew the days,
Cocooned with hidden warmth enfolding and sure,
When you will rise, live, and love once more.
posted by maggiesong at 1:46 PM
6 Comments:
I'm sorry JD....I neglected to say that this poem is one of my own. I was hoping no one would ask, but you have, and I have to be honest. I wrote this at a time in my life when I was barely able to hold onto the thought of rising, living and loving once more. So there you have it...probably more than you needed or wanted to know.
Anna...thank you for your words of encouragement, although I can see many things that are weak in this poem. I only posted this with some desperate feeling that winter was finally beginning to 'get to me'. If it spoke to you, then I am happy I risked putting it up here.
There's a good start here at a REAL poem (i.e., not just a green effort). I think with some tweaking of phrasing, this could really "go somewhere." I won't rewrite the poem a la Ezra Pound, but how about, for example, condensing "Intuitive life that returns that fights to renew the days" to something simpler, perhaps, "Life fights to renew ITS days?" Or, for the previous line, emphasising defiance: "As though in death, and yet-- and yet, beneath the stillness...?" And for the last line, how about this: "When you will rise and live and love once more." I'd even wonder about: "When you will rise and live and love yet more," though I'm less sure about that one.
One other thing: the only thing I am not sure about here is the "So too," the intended effect of which I think I see, but which I think might be better accomplished. I don't want to offer an alternative here b/c I fear any suggestion I might offer might skew the poem's own direction. But perhaps something to consider?
There's something nascent here, Maggie. What you have is a good, very good, start, and I see considerable GENUINE potential here. But I think almost-miniscule details might make the poem better. I, for example, think "chill winds and sleet at hand" might work better as "chill winds and sleet TO hand," which renders the image more concrete but leaves the meaning more ambiguous. Also think the first four lines might work better as an independent quatrain, with some of its language pared down a bit.
I realize this must seem niggling, but it's only when one niggles that one is sure there's really very little to "correct" or "change." I suspect this is coal on its way to being diamond. Congratulations.
BTW, your blog impresses. It engages its subject material with intelligence and intimacy-- and still an appropriate amount of deference to your material that one senses you're always still learning. Keep going, and keep writing, blog-wise and verse-wise. I'd very much like to see more of your stuff. Cheers and best.
J.
/p.s. Pardon the length of this comment. But, blast, you gave me much to say. ;-)
Dr. J...I was more than surprised to read the comment you left on this blog. I appreciate the time you spent thinking about this poem and how it could be improved. I also need to tell you that I think your comment was more than generous. And yes, I am very much still learning and hope to continue to keep learning until there are no more days in which I have left to learn.
I find so many things that both intrigue me and challenge me to follow them further than just noticing a sideroad going off the main highway. The sideroad may just end up being the place I needed to be rather than on the main highway in any case, and I wouldn't want to miss it. I just keep hoping that my curiosity doesn't, like the cat, 'kill me'.
I have tonight spent a bit of time playing with this poem just from the suggestions and ideas you left about it. I post it here, and if you come back to read this blog again, I would like your opinion - have I made it better or have I taken something away from it do you think?
The idea that three people have thought enough to leave questions or comments on this little poem quite amazes me to be honest with you.
Thanks again.
Cocoon
When leaves have changed and fallen to earth,
A sense remains waiting for signs of re-birth,
Deliverance from blanket of nature’s rest,
Wherein hope abides with patience blessed.
These days are short, sun scarce and bleak,
Stark trees bare branches like naked arms weak,
Against chill winds and sleet of icy hand,
As though in death, and yet—and yet
Beneath this seeming stillness,
Intuitive life struggles to renew its days,
Cocooned by hidden warmth enfolding and sure,
When you will rise and live and love once more.
Maybe "intuitive" really needs to go after looking at this again (2nd last line)
I still don't like the second line of this poem. I know what I'm trying to say, but the words lay there doing nothing. "A sense instilled waits signs of re-birth" works better perhaps...word play...oh muse help! :)
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